Focus

So, this second… this very second… and only this second…

I am completely focused.

In this second, my potential focus has been realized. It is fading quickly… so I really have only so much time before the dullness shades in and I pass out. So I have to work quickly…

oh, and I’m drunk. FYI.

..heh… yeah…

But in recognizing this fact…

It really is no different.

…I mean, as before.

I take prescription speed. Legally prescribed by a doctor.

do my thing… then, i need to calm the extra buzzing.

…Alcohol sounds wonderful in this capacity.

So again, as before, I drink the wine that will balance the speed.

and I reach this (though comparatively mundane) superlative place.

It’s the same.

I mean, it’s not. But it is.

I’ve learned and stretched time as much as I have. In a manner that I can function. All due to the cessation of the illicit, illegal form of speed that one acquires shadily.

So, time has stretched… but whatever. the focus has been shaded-out… and I’m over it. Or it’s over me.

the end.

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Published in:  on 26 January 2010 at 10:23 pm Leave a Comment

The Americanization of Mental Illness

Exactly one week ago today, she was a different person.

Exactly one week ago today, she was a different person.

This is a lie.

Exactly one week ago today, she supposes that she was a very similar person to the person she may have been a week before that moment and/or today. It had seemed like she may have been a different person as she sat suspended in time and space and novelty and permanence because she sat, or floated rather, within time and space and novelty and permanence. You know, the whole DeLilloan, “when there is enough out-of-placeness in the world, nothing is out of place”.

The surroundings had changed in ways that it was too hard to make sense of. But that was what was grand. Life-changing. This is what made her feel like a different version of herself. A version that may have resembled the version of herself “before”. This “before” version that all future versions of herself would be somehow compared to.

There was a bit of that comfort. …though she wasn’t really this “before” version nor was she really that different. Probably.

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flash cartoons… voiced by children… for crackheads.

This is fuckin’
awesome.
ha!

preventing addiction

BA-
NA-
NAS!!

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Published in:  on 22 December 2009 at 9:32 am Leave a Comment
Tags: , , , , ,

the author will always be only almost good enough

…that’s alot of fuckin’ words, man.

thats it.

It’s like a facebook status post or whatever… but that’s the only increment that my brain has the capacity to think in.

i just thought that i’d make a note of it.

peace.  two fingers

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So, I lied

It happens.

I guess one gets a taste of pseudo- audience and it’s hard to do this any other way. Not impossible. Not even nearly impossible. But “break-the-routine” hard.

I could write this as I wrote everything (on my computer/in a random notebook) with a fantastical notion that, one day, it will be read. This blog thing is like crack. …without the stringent physical side-effects. And without the stringent physical side effects, it’s harder to categorize and learn from. It’s harder to deem something “harmful”. It’s harder to stop and resume everyday life.

Well, anyway, I’m writing half-thoughts on this thing right now. That’s what’s happening. Whatever. We’ll forgo the Phil is dead thing because there’s nothing really to write there.

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The Swinging Moods of Schisty McSchisterton

I don’t know if there is supposed to be a “c” anywhere in that title… but…

…this is bullshit.

I tried it on. I did. but…

the blog (ing) thing…

I just…

it’s just…

….like meth.

But nowhere near as effective or awesomely fuckin’ ahhhhhh….

I think I gave it a chance. A sustained go-around. I don’t know. All of the sudden… it has re-become was it was. Not devolve… it’s not devolution, more… a realization of a freeze… or non-movement.

Or, better, lateral bend and jumps and squats…

I’ve been in the same mundane, retarded place for-ev-er!

Just the blinking lights in front of my face have changed in pattern, swirled a bit differently. so much so that it seems like growth.

Fuck.

Nietzsche would roll over in his grave.

So… game over.

Not that anyone reads this…. cares… or what-the-fuck-ever.

I censor when I need not censor because it’s in ‘public view’. What the fuck is that? That’s the anti- heal.

Information is key. Giving up information makes one weaker and weaker. Or so I abide.

So, I’m just going to get over that whole thing. Because no longer will I write anything that isn’t as accurate as it can be… as me as I’m able to distill.

Writing was my only pure form of expression… language… at certain points in life. And now I rape it with metaphysics… too many layers… too much. Rape it hard… so hard and so frequently that I feel that it’s okay and, more than okay… normal.

There’s something wrong with that.

I am doomed to continue this pattern of lateral mundanity.

Lets make the same mistakes over and over kiko!!!

Fuck that!

Later proverbial skater as the folks at 23rd street hang their hats.

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In the land of dreams… pt I

Okay, I may have some sort of imbalance. Chemical or animal or something.

To elaborate…

Somehow, I find myself walking down a public sort of street, but it seems underground a bit or in a warehouse… though it isn’t. It’s a bit dark…. gritty. But not in a dirty way… in a cool, semi-industrial blue way. The shadows a saturated black. And not sad at all. Not even moody. Refreshingly comfortable in a non-committal way. I wear a cool windbreaker or something of that sort and walk all self-contained like one walks around in New York. Definitely have a messenger bag. A sophisticated, refined but ultra true rapscallionism.

I pass a dock-worker sort of fellow (blue-collar). He is behind one of those large, wheeled, metallic devices… a very large hand-cart, I believe would be the best description. On this very large hand-cart very industrial-sized flour bag/ice bag-esque bags. They are the size of an industrial sized flour bag and sort of flat as well. But they are clear plastic and hold a crystalline substance inside. Just stacked upon each other. Maybe sixteen of these bags…

The dock-worker yells passed me to dock worker #2… something to the effect of “don’t take any of these”. A warning definitely. We all know they are a shipment of illegal drugs.

And I somehow know it is meth… or rather, the thing that I want. I don’t think my mind even differentiates what this substance is. It doesn’t need to because somehow it’s probably symbolic of something much larger than meth or even drugs. It is just “what I want”. The all elusive thing that I want.

I think, and though these are huge bags, and there is the impending doom of the consequence of taking one, I hesitate in my gait, my brain hiccups and I side-step back and sort of grab one with me. I run a bit, but know that I am seen.

By this time, the cops, on foot, have been chasing me. They haven’t seen me, however… I mean, specifically me, I’m sure of this. They just give chase to the individual who has swiped the bag. I don’t remember the sensation of running, but I appear to be sort of concealed by turning a corner. Then somehow, I am running toward them. A medium build to thin black woman (you know that if she wasn’t wearing the cop uniform, that she’d be attractive)… like a cop from a procedural on CBS or something, I think and cop #2 in the background. I drop the bag by some Indian kid and run passed. They never suspect a thing.

Then, I remember that I have some left somewhere. This doesn’t make sense, of course. I guess it just means that its meth.

My surroundings take on sort of a Möbius Strip existence at this point. The aforementioned jammed-packed action went down ‘underneath’ somewhere. A darker place, generally. When I remembered that I had a bit of this drug left, with me, in my possession, somewhere in a general home sort of place. I walked up the Möbius Strip and appeared into the fresh outdoors. Like an open skate park. This place was somehow “my place”. Not my home, in the literal sense because it wasn’t a structure. But I walked along the Möbius Strip and found myself at home in the sun shine.

I’m not sure where the crystalline substance in the bag came from. But I feel like it came from my bag… the bag that I had been carrying with me the entire time. I’m not sure why I needed to walk toward my home up the Möbius Strip. I know it was a left over portion of a gram of meth in a clear baggy. Or atleast that’s what it looked like. Very familiar anyway.

Maybe I all just made it the same thing. What, with the stuff on carts and all. Maybe my brain just needed to reconcile. And the cognitive miser I am… that’s what I do. Another strange thing about this… I remember having no desire to actually do the substance in the bags on the carts. I suppose I always have a general notion that having drugs is better than not. Whatever sense that makes.

In any event, somewhere along the line… I suppose that I do the drug. I don’t remember actually ingesting it… I know that I don’t shoot it. That would be another dream altogether. ha! I mean, I guess this part is maybe irrelevant. I end up in this place that maybe further down the Möbius Strip possibly again, where the place starts to bend and twist. It’s darker again, but an open-ish place. There are possibly 16 people or so sitting in nice columns/rows. Indian-style. A nice accepting pseudo hippy sort of vibe.

They are all high some how… but in a hallucinogenic psychonaut way wherein they are searching for meaning or something. The way I determined they were high is that, in front of each person, there was a sort of computerized square. A seismographic cube of sorts. One could tell how high or not they were or how far they had gone to reach answers or be enlightened or whatever one is supposed to do by the movement in and around the box. Some pulsated some contained pulsating waves… always some color changing. Strange stuff. But at the time, nice and comfortable.

I realized that this was what I was on. And again, it seemed familiar though I didn’t have a definition for it. …only the, “oh, okay… I know what this is. I’ve done this before”. I suppose that I didn’t need a definition for it.

Upon waking (not that I woke then… ohhh, there is still soooo much more, my friend), the closest thing I could liken it to was a non-typical hallucinogen: K. But, again, this is probably irrelevant.

But, at this point, I wasn’t even high… feeling anything, what have you.

And FUUUUUCKKK… seriously?! that is when the real games begin…

…to be continued.

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Reality

My perception of reality is distorted, just a little bit, I think. Not in a cool, quirky way… not in a sad veiled way…

A neutral/mostly undetectable/non-affecting way.

I think that’s it.

Published in:  on 11 October 2009 at 6:06 pm Leave a Comment

the follow

To refresh the palate, like ginger is supposed to do during a sushi dinner. Though, honestly, I never eat the ginger as it’s crazy stringent and thus, not a pleasurable experience… so I can’t be sure that it actually cleanses anything.

Very much like this. The Follow is absolutely, can’t-deal, kick-ass. Wong Kar Wai and Clive Owen. And the fact that Clive Owen can be one of those actors in a Wong Kar Wai film. And the fact that I interned at The Shooting Gallery in NY (I guess in between my long drug jags… and possiblydefinitely before the needle). It’s all so reminiscent and mildly adorable as interpreted by this version of myself staring downward at that version of myself in a moment partially frozen in time.

But my point… much like ginger, The Follow, only in name (given by the author and the author that doesn’t dig the ginger, at that) cleanses the palate. It’s actually the anti-ginger (if ginger does what its said to do), now that I think about it.

…or maybe not. …who knows? My metaphors can only go so far in the daytime.

It’s real function?…

…That its AWESOME! In the most lackadaisical, non-intrusive way.

Yet another interlude brought you by the folks at 23rd street.

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